feelin sad

Dont know whats come over me in the last two days. i was feelin really good and positive about everything, but now i seem to have completely flipped to the other side. Hard not to be depressed when your facing a caner diagnosis. I have to go back to work tomorrow and im really not looking forward to that. I just want my appointment at the hospital to hurry up and get here so someone can tell me just how bad (or hopefully good) the situation is. Im sick of being told not to worry. How is that even possible? im sick of not knowing. The stress of this hanging over my head, probably for the next year is going to do my head in. i dont deal well with stress. i feel like im constantly fighting off a panic attack. (i used to get those occassionally - havent had one in over a year tho). i feel awful because Jira and my mum are worried and when i get like this it just makes them worry more.....they dont need the extra stress anymore than i do.

and mixed in with the worry, im sad about not being pregnant anymore. Its just starting to sink in i think. Even as sick as i was, i'd do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant the baby would be ok and healthy. Depressing to think we wont be able to try again for so long. Im so looking forward to when my best friend has her baby in a few weeks. Id give anything to be in her shoes right now. I feel like its going to be a very long time until im where shes at, and that seems unfair as i should only be a few months away from that! And then, the thought crosses your mind, that maybe trying again is the stupidist thing you could do. I mean i now have a higher risk of this all happening again, do i really want to do that to myself and my family? maybe not. i dont know.

im going to church today. I need that at the moment. need to believe in something bigger than me and my problems. Need to believe that im not being punished for something i did, or said.

if you managed to make it to the bottom of this, im sorry for being so depressing. but it helps to get it out.