today wasnt the easiest day for me.
The closer the days get to what would have been my due date (may 28th) the more i think about what weve lost. and holidays that should have been filled with excitement just make me sad. Not that i tell anyone this, they all think i should be over it by now. Theres no point talking about it anyway. I dont want to hear that next time it will be ok. Because no one knows that. No one can predict what will happen in the future. No one understands the fear that lies deep, that it will never happen for us. Or the fear that this could happen again. Or the fear of the possible consequences of even trying again.
My brothers and their partners were talking about kids at our easter sunday lunch today. They talk with that innocent "knowledge" that they will never have problems. That having children one day is their right, and not something that needs to be hoped and prayed for. I know that feeling. I felt like that not all that long ago, and until you go thru the crap we've been thru, you can never really understand. And i dont expect them to understand. I hope they never "truly" understand, because if they do, it will mean that they have had to go thru the same thing.
But he understands. He knows when the conversation is headed in a direction that is going to upset me. He knows when ive had enough. He knows when i need time alone. Most of the time, he knows, even before i do. He gets me.
I asked my brother to take some photos of us today. This is what i got. I love them. Jira didnt think i should be allowed to wear my sunglasses for photos, so for some reason he decided he'd take them off with his teeth. Chris just kept clicking and im so happy with what he captured.
Tho this is the look i gave him when i realised that id been taking photos all day, and the nicest ones turned out to be the ones he took - mr i know nothing about cameras, focusing, framing or anything! typical.